Leading With Curiosity: A Trauma-Informed Approach to Conflict Resolution at Work

Conflict doesn’t destroy teams; unskillful conflict does. The most effective way to resolve conflict is through strong communication skills and a willingness to be curious about what’s truly happening beneath the surface. In trauma-informed practice, curiosity is the doorway to understanding roles, emotions, and shared needs.

In my Conflict Story Model, curiosity functions like a guiding lantern. It helps people see the landscape of the conflict clearly, where they stand, where others stand, and what the real obstacles are.

Below, I respond to common Google “People Also Ask” questions using a trauma-informed and narrative-driven approach that builds psychological safety and practical skills for individuals and teams.

What is the most effective way to resolve conflict at work?

Effective conflict resolution is built on communication, but communication isn’t just talking; it’s also regulation, clarity, emotional expression, and listening. Before you ask questions of someone else, ask a few of yourself:

• What do I believe the goal is?

• What do I think the problem is?

• What is my emotional stake, and is it proportionate to the situation?

Once regulated and grounded, you can turn outward with curiosity. Ask questions like:

• “What feels hardest about this problem for you?”

• “Where do you see the biggest challenge?”

Curiosity reduces defensiveness, opens perspective, and helps everyone step into the same story rather than fighting separate battles.

Why do small conflicts turn into big problems on teams?

Small conflicts often grow because people focus on the symptom rather than the cause. They also cling to the story they believe is true rather than being open to how they contribute to the situation.

People are quick to blame systems or technology, but rarely examine their role in the problem, not their job title, but their narrative part:

• “Am I the avoider?”

• “Am I the fixer?”

• “Am I the rescuer?”

• “Am I the frustrated observer?”

When people can’t define their roles, misunderstandings pile up, emotions escalate, and minor tensions become major ruptures.

What prevents people from defining their role in conflict?

Most people bring their whole selves to work without realizing it. Past experiences, fears, and identity all show up in professional settings.

Defining your role in a conflict can feel like losing control or accepting blame, which activates defensiveness. Psychological safety, not agreement, just safety, is what allows people to say:

“Here’s my part in how this happened.”

When people feel safe, they can step into clarity, which makes defining roles possible and creates a shared understanding.

How can you express impact without triggering defensiveness?

Use I statements, but make them meaningful, not mechanical. A script I often teach is:

• “When you did ____, it made me feel ____.”

• “Because I felt that way, I responded by ____.”

This structure allows people to define their emotional experience, name the impact, and take responsibility for their behavior without attacking the other person.

It shifts the story from blame to understanding.

What happens when teams skip the step of defining the problem?

People argue about symptoms. They argue about assumptions. They argue about things that look like problems but are really just consequences.

When teams skip problem definition, they usually fight about:

• Miscommunication

• Personality differences

• Logistics or process complaints

• Perceived unfairness

But the deeper issue is often unmet needs, lack of clarity, or emotional interpretations.

In the Conflict Story Model, defining the problem is essential — it ensures everyone is addressing the same quest, not running off in separate directions.

How do you regulate emotions in conflict?

Many people say they feel “angry” or “frustrated,” but anger is a secondary emotion. Beneath it is usually:

• fear,

• anxiety, or

• Sadness is tied to not feeling good enough.

When emotions escalate, I help people slow down and identify the underlying feeling. Regulation starts with naming what’s actually happening.

If you cannot center yourself, you cannot expect others to be centered either.

What does conflict avoidance culture look like?

Avoidance culture looks like:

• missing meetings or delaying conversations

• doing work alone to avoid collaboration

• moving projects forward without alignment

• smiling through tension

• being afraid of the outcome, not the words

Avoidance doesn’t protect teams — it quietly erodes trust and amplifies conflict over time.

What makes the actual conflict conversation successful?

Two things:

1. Regulation and self-awareness

If you show up dysregulated, you’re not prepared to have the conversation. Your body and nervous system must feel steady.

2. Shared understanding of the problem and the goal

Walking into a conversation without alignment only leads to circular arguments.

Bring:

• facts,

• clarity,

• emotions named with intention, and

• curiosity about the other person’s perspective.

This is where conflict transforms from confrontation to collaboration.

An example of curiosity changing a conflict

A team once argued endlessly about “transparency.”
Staff believed transparency meant leaders sharing everything that reached their desks.
Leadership believed transparency was unnecessary and destabilizing.

By guiding them with curiosity, “What is the hardest part of transparency for you?”, we uncovered that both sides wanted trust, not unlimited information.

Together, they created agreements defining what should and shouldn’t be transparent, which resolved months of tension.

When should a team seek outside conflict support?

Teams should reach out when conflict feels unmanageable, or when it’s clear they no longer know how to resolve regular disagreements.

Outside support prevents:

• repetition of the same arguments

• escalation into emotional blowups

• avoidance becoming the cultural norm

• small issues growing into larger ruptures

A trauma-informed conflict consultant brings structure, neutrality, and clarity to situations where people feel too close to the problem to see the whole story.

Final Thoughts: Conflict Is a Story You Can Rewrite

Every conflict is a story with characters, roles, emotions, and goals. When teams learn to lead with curiosity, define roles clearly, and regulate emotions, conflict becomes a pathway to growth rather than a barrier.

The Conflict Story Model offers teams a structured, compassionate, and psychologically safe approach to navigating challenges, one that prevents small frustrations from becoming overwhelming battles.

If your team feels stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure where to begin, I can help.

I offer trauma-informed consulting grounded in collaborative storytelling, communication skills, and practical conflict-resolution strategies.

→ Schedule a consultation to see how the Conflict Story Model can support your team.